I think I am mourning something I will never have.
maybe I’m mourning a life I used to have
a body I used to inhabit.
I must have loved it.
I must have loved it a lot.
I am dying to unlock my body
I will die to unlock my body
Will you let me have my body?
I killed a little girl today.
while her parents watched her die.
They let me do it. It must have hurt them.
Then I took my hands away
and let her float downstream.
They pulled her to the bank
But these new years are mine.
People made fun of you for wanting to have the gender of a star – but isn’t that beautiful? I feel more like the night sky than I do a woman, a man – I feel vast and lonely. Of course I’m a star. Burning. A few milennia late. You will not realise I am gone, not at first. I will go but my light will outlast me.
Loki shows me how to pull
Could I really tell that little girl I hate her? hate her body?
she doesn’t even know what that feels like yet.
if that child stood before me
with anything except love?
she swam naked in the sea!
how I would kill for that now!
love it always!!
I thought it was a sign from God. The angels had descended, said Be afraid. You have been cast from this flock. When I died I would not be welcomed into Heaven. I did not fear Hell, but I feared exclusion from divine love. I feared never seeing my grandmother again. What does being trans feel like?
I locked myself in the bathroom. Let my heart and brain bleed out, turn the cool tiles red and hot, stain the floor of the closet to keep others’ feet clean. Drown in this invisible pain that a coloniser’s tongue forbids me to transcribe. What does being trans feel like?
I am in the closet in the bathroom I am the liminal creature and the warning and the messenger. What makes me monstrum instead of angelus? Your fear.
THE MONSTER STANDS AT THE EDGE OF BECOMING.
What does being trans feel like?
I am witnessing my funeral in real time.
I am witnessing my birth in real time.